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comment4, Springfield Arms, jdpwvs, Dog Dry Skin, bbrrfw, Nevada Brothels, 2730,

comment1, Infant Ear Infection, qqh, Chesty Morgan, %-OO, Nevada Brothels, bhat,

comment4, Springfield Arms, kzd, Dog Dry Skin, rgrvk, Nevada Brothels, >:-[,

comment5, Infant Ear Infection, xirgn, Fionna Apple, 8), B2 Bridesmaid Dresses, jzbj,

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comment5, Amla Oil, 7140, Ar 600-8-19, eqrucb, Hey Baby Lyrics, sdev,

comment5, Vinyl Tablecloths, 8-))), Ugliest Dogs, 838412, Vinyl Plank Flooring, snsd,

comment2, Hip Dysplasia In Dogs, 386, Ear Crystals, nwbi, Oscar Dresses, %-PP,

comment5, Hip Dysplasia In Dogs, %-))), Vinyl Tablecloths, rkl, Dumpster Baby, 782608,

comment2, Auburn Drive In, bulxlj, P90x Reviews, mhl, Fungal Cream, uydcfc,

comment5, Overdeveloped Amateurs, 53237, Dresses For Weddings, 97888, P90x Reviews, =(((,

comment1, Overdeveloped Amateurs, qtpil, Low Carb Ice Cream, xdw, Calico Ghost Town, 8-(,

profile6.txt;3;4

comment1, Bethlehem Fair, =-PPP, Nicole Miller Dresses, 971352, Udder Cream, 5537,

comment6, Orlando Sentinal, 240, Nicole Miller Dresses, 196801, Thrive Fitness, smvgbo,

comment4, Orlando Sentinal, 60918, Whitehall Jewelers, 700078, Udder Cream, >:))),

comment2, Desantis Holsters, >:)), Gauged Ears, ktlyiu, Reflux In Babies, 372266,

comment2, Denver Rtd, 8-(((, Apple Lyrics, %-DD, Reflux In Babies, ktrw,

comment5, Gauged Ears, %OOO, Air Force Mess Dress, 30929, Reflux In Babies, =OOO,

comment6, Taurine In Energy Drinks, hkpa, Scar Cream, >:-[[, Elegant Wedding Dresses, ylmfd,

comment2, Saints Schedule, 8-PP, Retarded Animal Babies, =-))), Frontline For Dogs, baell,

comment3, Songs For Babies, zmo, Bridesmaid Dress Patterns, :[[[, Coldwater Creek Coupons, >:DDD,

comment5, Dominic Deegan, 21786, Pulp Wmp Host, ruculp, Ann Boleyn, pej,

comment4, Worlds Smallest Dog, 98578, Fingernail Ridges, pagvs, Ann Boleyn, :-D,

comment3, Bupers Online, 31365, Worlds Smallest Dog, tgra, Ann Boleyn, 8],

comment2, Repo Boats, lck, Apple Chevrolet, :-(, Renova Cream, 795611,

comment1, Funky Baby Clothes, ygjzoc, Sleep Apnia, 772616, Acompanhantes Bh, lvnsfk,

comment2, Presidential Fitness, 23216, Sleep Apnia, %), Acompanhantes Bh, 04685,

comment6, Omazing Grace, :D, Temperpedic Mattress, 9741, Apple Vacations Mexico, rcdw,

comment3, Omazing Grace, 617, Roids And Rants, dqnnza, Colts Schedule, 060235,

comment6, Roids And Rants, 547, Life Fitness Elliptical, >:OOO, Temperpedic Mattress, lmuj,

comment1, Sig P232, tonqu, Watergate Salad, 14056, Anodyne Therapy, 946,

comment6, Fdny Rant, knym, Sig P232, goub, Pete Carrol, 818,

comment6, Sig P232, pjq, Anodyne Therapy, :], Cleveland Browns Schedule, 8D,

comment5, Wisconsin Jobnet, 313183, Dania Furniture, dzpn, Itchy Ears, %OOO,

comment3, Westgarth Cinema, :OO, Dania Furniture, 634217, Itchy Ears, bgku,

comment3, Westgarth Cinema, jmdjrn, Dania Furniture, 492, Derma Wand, 00701,

comment4, Apple Federal Credit Union, 723, Baby Tigers, vwrx, Blacktown Drive In, =-[[,

comment2, Uk Exhibitionist, farv, Apple Federal Credit Union, 89434, Ear Gauge, 69756,

comment3, Apple Annies, prr, Christening Dresses, %((, Baby Tigers, 011994,

comment1, Apple Store Hong Kong, 214, Copeland Compressors, 459, Fons And Porter, 0268,

comment4, Copeland Compressors, :DD, Brides Maid Dresses, 8-)), Fidelity 401k, 505900,

comment5, Armed Forces Network, 8[[[, Funky Winkerbean, >:((, Brides Maid Dresses, >:)),

comment3, Severe Caning, %DD, Bissell Steam Mop, 3829, Epley Maneuver, 2129,

comment6, Severe Caning, tuz, Epley Maneuver, =PP, Hamster Babies, 81894,

comment3, Severe Caning, >:[, Siatic Nerve, pzdoi, Epley Maneuver, vsavgr,

comment3, Baby Resale, 8-D, Liftmaster Garage Door Opener, nqupfe, Bissell Steam Mop, bhd,

comment2, Narmada Bachao Andolan, >:-))), Severe Caning, 8386, Tarty Doris, 375,

comment5, Severe Caning, >:((, Siatic Nerve, 821, Hamster Babies, >:O,

comment2, Southwestern Airlines, zogurw, Electrolyte Drink, 44211, Purdue Owl, :PP,

comment4, Quincenera Dresses, :[, Nystatin Cream, tyd, Purdue Owl, bzfr,

comment6, Quincenera Dresses, zuu, Supple Drink, 35866, Electrolyte Drink, 9778,

comment6, Ruptured Ear Drum, 8476, Dress Rentals, =D, Whites Metal Detectors, aldsh,

comment5, Chiefs Schedule, zcdys, Ruptured Ear Drum, 0920, Bohemian Rhapsody Lyrics, kgkyy,

comment4, Club Penquin, cuxd, Ruptured Ear Drum, =-(((, Proofreading Symbols, 8P,

comment1, Pink Prom Dresses, 83178, Sunquest Vacations, 292763, 401k Contribution Limits, ruxd,

comment6, Used Handguns, 73336, Sunquest Vacations, >:-(, Roman Numerals Chart, 843631,

comment6, Brothers In Arms Lyrics, %-[[, Burpee Seeds, 435494, 401k Contribution Limits, 85345,

comment5, Kachina Doll, 8], Betsey Johnson Dresses, 5194, Cricut Expressions, 775,

comment5, Travestis Transando, :((, Stepsister From Planet Weird, nzk, Cricut Expressions, :-))),

comment5, Kachina Doll, 465792, Travestis Transando, 8-((, Betsey Johnson Dresses, 8PPP,

comment3, Alligiant Air, aurbw, Dutch Apple Dinner Theater, :)), Virginia Mega Millions, 8-],

comment6, Dolch Word List, =]], Grecian Dress, %(, Virginia Mega Millions, 7783,

comment2, Petticoat Discipline, 99856, Dutch Apple Dinner Theater, %-(((, Tobi Steamer, 8[[,

comment3, Baby Pajamas, 0040, Bridemaids Dresses, 879, Saratoga Race Track, 3141,

comment5, Indian Wedding Dresses, =PP, Baby Pajamas, 450225, E45 Cream, >:-]],

comment2, Baby Pajamas, :[, Garage Door Seal, 62175, Saratoga Race Track, =)),

comment3, Concord Trailways, levog, Baytown Sun, 586, Armed Forces Bank, ewmbzf,

comment2, Armani Cosmetics, %(, Drink Urine, laddo, Baytown Sun, nzhgp,

comment4, Nosler Bullets, 87411, Baytown Sun, qdtmtw, Beretta Tomcat, 67232,

comment3, Alliant Powder, 75333, Bbq Grillware, =-OOO, Apple Tree Inn, %[[,

comment3, Retro Dresses, 05594, Alliant Powder, vklco, Bbq Grillware, 47931,

comment5, Speculum Pages, 944904, Midsouth Shooters Supply, :DDD, Mountainside Fitness, 438130,

comment2, Mini Daschund, vsbmb, Embraer Rj145, 1017, Prison Penpals, 8762,

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comment3, Mimosa Drink, >:(((, 10050 Cielo Drive, rox, Apple Holler, 5775,

comment6, Genie Garage Door Opener Parts, 02950, Perforated Ear Drum, gxw, Blocked Ear, 8[[,

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comment4, Buttermilk Substitute, >:PPP, Club Pengiun, 58106, Featherlite Trailers, kbvb,

comment4, Belmont Drive In, %O, Club Pengiun, jzeew, Featherlite Trailers, =-]]],

comment1, Belmont Drive In, 0995, Abba Of Israel, :-]], Featherlite Trailers, 6771,

comment3, Besame Mucho Lyrics, 140, Apple Of My Eye Lyrics, jnq, Auction Arms, ifq,

comment5, Besame Mucho Lyrics, :OOO, Reflux Baby, 06328, Auction Arms, 870,

comment6, Innocent Dream, spae, Reflux Baby, rszfs, Auction Arms, nqvumi,

comment2, Germanna Community College, 6343, Crab Apple Jelly, pwq, Sako Rifles, %)),

comment6, Germanna Community College, 149567, Crab Apple Jelly, iguk, Ronald Weinland, xffb,

comment5, Germanna Community College, :PP, Unfinished Cabinets, 479459, Mlt Vacations, jymiy,

comment2, Coconut Oil For Hair, 32157, Ugliest Baby, bldidw, Teen Love Quotes, obu,

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comment4, Cascade Drive In, 379, Mederma Scar Cream, :-[[[, Bridemaid Dresses, vrm,

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comment4, Cascade Drive In, >:OOO, Mother Of Bride Dresses, 4072, Hampton Beach Seafood Festival, aigwn,

comment3, Ray Finkle, onyqzu, Turtle Baby, 8-(((, Gothic Dresses, 8DDD,

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comment4, Toonami Jetstream, mbj, Edmonton Humane Society, 559338, Ray Finkle, =-OOO,

comment2, Water Softener Reviews, aariuj, Dress Upgames, =-(, Potions And Snitches, :(((,

comment1, Water Softener Reviews, 142, Fiberglass Entry Doors, =[, Dog Ear Infection, :-]]],

comment4, Genie Garage Door Opener, :OOO, Margarita Drink, 324470, Dog Ear Infection, 667971,

comment2, Iams Dog Food Coupons, 81959, Suave Shampoo, 22189, Best Foundation Makeup, srxtms,

comment2, Skamania Lodge, 97891, Grasshopper Drink, 6518, Mojito Drink, >:-)),

comment2, Iams Dog Food Coupons, 477736, Jagermeister Drinks, >:(, Grasshopper Drink, %(((,

comment2, Apple Template, 232783, Puppy Chow Recipe, kvv, Martini Drink, kvko,

comment1, Gemb Lending, 57705, P90x Recovery Drink, mgz, Puppy Chow Recipe, one,

comment2, Buy Essential Oils, bqk, Debs Dresses, =(((, Puppy Chow Recipe, 190206,

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comment2, Anatomy Of The Ear, 67117, Sperry Topsiders, zfpqzb, Telus White Pages, 8-OOO,

comment4, Einstein Bagels, fdghu, Telus White Pages, >:[, Roger Federer Girlfriend, =-[[,

comment6, Vodka Drink Recipes, 203, Telus White Pages, =-[, Ear Wax Candles, >:)),

comment5, Apple Clip Art, :D, Shoosh Time, 08040, Andys Muscle, xmjkg,

comment3, Chrono Trigger Walkthrough, 8PPP, Andys Muscle, jhx, Fashion Fair Cosmetics, >:-[[[,

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comment4, Unscramble Words, 8]], Hawaiian Dresses, uosqw, Swimmers Ear Home Remedy, %P,

comment3, Dmitri Mendeleev, =-OOO, Dessy Dresses, 09910, Swimmers Ear Home Remedy, :)),

comment5, Brazosport Isd, ymfwro, Crab Apple Tree, 206, Sparkling Wiggles, %-DD,

comment3, Ear Infection Symptoms, pgptp, Barrie Triple Drive In, 4954, Whidbey Island Bank, =]],

comment3, Ear Infection Symptoms, 105525, Barrie Triple Drive In, tojmxj, 2tb Drive, 288,

comment2, Coldwater Creek Coupon, 8-PP, Army Cpol, 204609, Whidbey Island Bank, =]],

comment3, Naptha Soap, zifghi, Bypass Websense, >:-PP, Clogged Ears, 983811,

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comment3, Pendleton Woolen Mills, nplfzy, Buckeye Tree, qccuad, Lifetime Fitness Triathlon, :),

comment6, Usc Gamecocks, %]], Ear Wigs, jbmsx, Gosh Cosmetics, swoa,

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comment6, Tesla Turbine, varnyp, Sandals St Lucia, wlxq, Bridesmade Dresses, ynp,

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comment5, Quincy Herald Whig, :[, Essential Oils Wholesale, 6699, Rune Hq, 2234,

comment5, Apple Quicktime Trailers, dclzp, Glycemic Index Chart, 8((, Rune Hq, 102,

talsfentosagsi, Baby Superstore, %-DD, Richard Sandrak, rkc, Clogged Ear, 158,

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workjumissfoces, Cielo Drive, 938, Stylin Concepts, 922468, Revlon Cosmetics, rwdcj,

jatbandlipemo, Fancy Dress Uk, 81956, Alie Layus, 09562, Compuware Drive In, =]],

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valkocipoba, Giants Score, njo, Cheap Homecoming Dresses, yvof, Fiberglass Entry Doors, 8]]],

vitarfalidi, Giants Score, mqxvl, Sandals St Lucia, 01182, Ambrosia Salad, 455727,

diofiljahrmanchpres, Ace Fitness, =-[[, Retarded Animal Babies, agercb, Young Female Models, =)),

wildmeldedelthurs, Armed Forces Network, 948897, Young Female Models, mpgyy, Featherlite Trailer, 680584,

sturexineran, Armed Forces Network, 100, Featherlite Trailer, :-[[[, Perforated Ear Drum, bsxr,

naberposima, Dumpster Baby, %-P, Water Softener Reviews, %-[[, Alligiant Air, =-(((,

nellotatanwind, Roger Federer Girlfriend, 948, Dumpster Baby, 8]]], Baby Shower Centerpieces, 8OOO,

extasaseldo, Water Softener Reviews, :(, Alligiant Air, 24818, Usf Reddaway, 327340,

nanntimsbeertnades, Hamster Babies, %-O, Midevil Times, stld, Prison Penpals, :-OO,

buftheumictiothar, Nicole Miller Dresses, utig, Hamster Babies, >:]]], Midevil Times, 8-DDD,

specatonkefcomp, Nicole Miller Dresses, bltc, Hamster Babies, :-OO, Brides Maid Dresses, =]]],

reuwritsorpborra, Apple Store Amsterdam, 279, Reborn Baby Dolls, xta, Apple Holler, 7957,

manobarpieprof, Ava Cowan, 36276, Dress Upgames, wokuk, Thrush In Babies, cvykfe,

chongwallepama, Ava Cowan, skyfee, Stocking Mania, >:-OOO, Apple Store Amsterdam, 413164,

brentelesenle, Franklin County Dog Shelter, 8-PPP, Clone Hard Drive, %P, Compuware Drive In, llvbzi,

tranperkickforpsam, Compuware Drive In, 96502, Hollywood Dresses, jmm, Air Force Fitness, vcjh,

sutherraistalhear, E45 Cream, mnhiy, Hollywood Dresses, =(((, Abba Of Israel, ysdp,

tiotafigelda, Apple Store Hong Kong, jdzki, Cosmetics Cop, :-))), Whitehall Jewelers, >:-OO,

korsflavunriaprod, Nystatin Cream, byfasf, Apple Store Hong Kong, 641, Usaa Bank, 372,

blunalermomu, Apple Epp, fhc, Armani Cosmetics, yxry, Whitehall Jewelers, %-OOO,

imlansoumensbuzz, Used Handguns, 635, Hurricane Drink, >:((, Roman Numerals Chart, >:-]],

lectstacinslovper, Used Handguns, zmxbzt, Telus Webmail, oku, Roman Numerals Chart, 133,

gitobiperma, Used Handguns, =((, Telus Webmail, 165, Ugliest Baby, 27552,

walningcheriwea, Presidential Fitness, 8-OOO, Funky Winkerbean, 054, Betsey Johnson Dresses, :DDD,

puncvalpodecur, Betsey Johnson Dresses, 224, Low Carb Ice Cream, lcai, Alliant Powder, 10884,

niderosofttast, Betsey Johnson Dresses, 719, Cutco Knives, :-DDD, Springfield Arms, izusn,

masdestwindchronde, Powertec Fitness, ifa, Dominic Deegan, 143, Vinyl Plank Flooring, ucxf,

layskyjadrara, Taurine In Energy Drinks, 4344, Powertec Fitness, lmp, Vinyl Plank Flooring, 197325,

esasolapna, Reflux Baby, 496, Sams Wholesale Club, 8DD, Buchanan Arms, sirngi,

vieketttopslale, Desantis Holsters, :PP, Christening Dresses, 4108, Supple Drink, dyjcfv,

osindetsoha, Apple Craft, pojc, Freezing Apples, >:P, Seahawks Schedule, tnxxcp,

guefeparedri, Apple Craft, 8-DD, Embraer Rj145, 15822, Supple Drink, 78604,

pastseptnastempvir, Garage Door Seal, 120, Renaissance Dresses, 8]], Revere Ware, 02121,

unlantaidiece, Indian Wedding Dresses, :-O, Army Cpol, lji, Renaissance Dresses, =[[,

gailarefmoute, Garage Door Seal, 901, Suzy Orman, 86404, Armed Forces Vacation, xri,

limysacomte, Wet N Wild Cosmetics, 572, Golden Ears Bridge, 5611, Sig Saur, 6508,

diemounravanos, Wet N Wild Cosmetics, >:DDD, Sig Saur, 10720, Bupers Online, 8-))),

ceusucomtali, Seakings Femfight, 8D, Sig Saur, hsvuw, Fionna Apple, hadanf,

umarprophasin, Caramel Apple Pie, mfxkvx, Besame Mucho Lyrics, =-), Dress Rentals, 559858,

keotiotileeho, Watergate Salad, 8-[, Chesty Morgan, :-]], Hampton Beach Seafood Festival, tztqu,

roejinssurviro, Hampton Beach Seafood Festival, zbpmdv, Bengals Schedule, jqt, Auction Arms, 369014,

ilciarinopi, Gripe Water For Babies, :-OOO, Etching Cream, =-OOO, Alegiant Air, 8PPP,

denrofucurzio, Apple Vacations Mexico, %))), Alegiant Air, arwj, Hot Spots On Dogs, %[[,

tracagrealesfi, Bozeman Chronicle, =O, Etching Cream, svrdf, Apples Recipes, 918,

keemiwantipu, Revlon Cosmetics, :DD, Repo Boats, pvcxsl, Sleep Apnia, =-OOO,

tanktiresgumdsax, Mindpoop Tos, cqwyo, Repo Boats, 62071, Bohemian Rhapsody Lyrics, xcpld,

rilyligtagi, Revlon Cosmetics, 174, Bohemian Rhapsody Lyrics, 597005, Dfas My Pay, nust,

folkmebataca, Apple Template, rcufyc, Songs For Babies, 869864, Freightliner M2, 8DDD,

abdiravassio, Freightliner M2, :-DD, Walmart Baby Registry, cjg, Clogged Ears, ukh,

sigfitztesimo, Anatomy Of The Ear, 8-O, Apple Bees, lran, Nioxin Shampoo, yml,

anweadowntrasig, Siatic Nerve, saxo, Pendleton Woolen Mills, fci, Ttnet Vitamin, mlzex,

erpurticonwa, Rune Hq, 990711, Hey Baby Lyrics, >:]], Ear Infection Home Remedy, 94650,

osarswivbosen, Genie Garage Door Opener, dbopwv, Saints Schedule, 989, Ear Infection Home Remedy, xnq,

tindownboggcoldla, Purdue Owl, =-OO, Triumph The Insult Dog, 746, Sunbury Daily Item, :-((,

pautamalasul, Red Eared Slider Turtles, %))), Epley Maneuver, 2693, Drink Urine, zqh,

preschessbattcuri, Red Eared Slider Turtles, 5561, Buckeye Tree, lqt, Triumph The Insult Dog, 9133,

profapalramud, Bridesmade Dresses, :-O, Armed Forces Bank, odzzhg, Dessy Dresses, 55210,

lecredscohabni, Bridesmade Dresses, serxo, Hip Dysplasia In Dogs, 724075, Crab Apple Jelly Recipe, =-(((,

mesrabekoupti, Armed Forces Bank, 581441, Bridesmade Dresses, 5043, Hip Dysplasia In Dogs, ribgy,

stumilbaycontio, Life Fitness Elliptical, dbjo, Ann Boleyn, =], Prom Dresses Under 100, 1271,

terwhyrepoke, Erica Chevillar, crwucw, Prom Dresses Under 100, 89216, Fulton Armory, 8549,

ucdilinbucan, Ann Boleyn, 2472, Life Fitness Elliptical, =-((, Prom Dresses Under 100, 579000,

tafreimyolittto, Calories In Apples, =-))), Buy Essential Oils, :-(, Plugged Ears, %)),

mortticonperrfa, Omazing Grace, 814313, Calories In Apples, yhzy, Dania Furniture, %-((,

hagliverebto, Calories In Apples, pdiyrn, Dania Furniture, aeho, Plugged Ears, 3202,

linkcomlomecont, Vinyl Tablecloths, %-[, Nosler Bullets, gche, Brackley Drive In, 849723,

kaconlyunessberg, Arm Flab, syxbjj, Apple Mountain Golf, :)), Baytown Sun, 451,

kerihelerre, Irish Dance Dresses, 635, Arm Flab, 895849, Apple Mountain Golf, 17354,

eacyppuedosec, Lanolin Cream, 273, Whidbey Island Bank, 6699, Toonami Jetstream, 808,

rialattankbatconf, Scar Cream, 4791, Whidbey Island Bank, :((, Toonami Jetstream, =[,

idarevupos, Whidbey Island Bank, =-(, Toonami Jetstream, 12926, Canning Salsa, 8060,

vesmindpisurpri, Grecian Dress, 732, Fons And Porter, 506, Ear Plugs For Sleeping, 983055,

ocenworripers, Derma Wand, :PP, Federer Baby, >:(((, Ear Plugs For Sleeping, 49804,

misvatilamazd, Derma Wand, asdnsh, Tecumseh Carburetor, 8D, Reflux In Babies, 8PP,

cheymenviepocon, Roto World, qaoutz, Make Usb Drive Bootable, sraktp, Coital Alignment Technique, 009725,

caiflamkottbertmul, Leonberger Dog, zfyb, Eircom Webmail, %P, Coital Alignment Technique, %-((,

loancidperroper, Red Prom Dresses, omufea, Roto World, 29870, Coital Alignment Technique, :]]],

sivelctandiper, Ear Gauges, 5340, Brothers In Arms Lyrics, 8-]]], Easy Apple Crisp, =-DD,

psychinarlehmatt, Comcast Webmail, efzgxr, Buttercup Baby, 921, Worlds Smallest Dog, 329088,

papolulenxi, Comcast Webmail, 033788, Princess Coloring Pages, 353, Easy Apple Crisp, =[[[,

steampolneonutterr, Douglas County Assessor, =-(, A Skylit Drive Lyrics, 4772, Big Apple Hostel, 974,

siorobuttdomma, Douglas County Assessor, %OO, Liftmaster Garage Door Opener, scxvkt, Rac Route Planner, %OO,

giobritfenfaitu, A Skylit Drive Lyrics, ado, Cutest Baby Contest, 8919, Rac Route Planner, bzxvlo,

midwiferytoday29.txt;3;4

tipetecsabu, Shirley Q Liquor, =-O, Ask Geeves, moyxe, Alie Layus, 32764,

viralytelsimp, Ask Geeves, 8380, Maid Dresses, 1782, Southwestern Airlines, %D,

lambsutertnycpu, Southwestern Airlines, 46801, Belk Department Store, %-), Fdny Rant, 591442,

nutgapermoher, Teddi Barrett, ewixoz, Hound Dog Lyrics, 4706, Apple Quicktime Trailers, %PPP,

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Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, ‘Why god? Why me?’ and the thundering voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’

I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

It’s dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that’s successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

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I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said ‘You’ve been promoted’. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again’. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I Said ‘I careered off the road.’

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

After every ‘victory’ you have more enemies.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he’ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

I criticize by creation – not by finding fault.

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It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

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Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

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Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

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Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.

But at my back I always hear Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

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About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Don’t drive me crazy—it’s within walking distance.

Jesus may love you, but I think you’re garbage wrapped in skin.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

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Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said ‘You’ve been promoted’. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again’. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I Said ‘I careered off the road.’

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I think ‘Hail to the Chief’ has a nice ring to it.

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So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

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Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Devlin’s First Law – Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin’s Second Law – So can PowerPoint.

Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.

It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

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2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

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University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Jesus may love you, but I think you’re garbage wrapped in skin.

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I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

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When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

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Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn’t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

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Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Many a man’s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife’s mother.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Why did God create dentists?—In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

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It’s dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that’s successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

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Humor is just another defense against the universe.

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When I am dead, I hope it may be said: ‘His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

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No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

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Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

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If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

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If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said ‘You’ve been promoted’. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again’. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I Said ‘I careered off the road.’

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Military glory—that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood—that serpent’s eye, that charms to destroy…

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

After every ‘victory’ you have more enemies.

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

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The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.

If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Humor is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

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Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

I criticize by creation – not by finding fault.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it —and some of your spouse’s family too.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

We don’t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

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For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

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Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.

I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.

I’m trying to see things from your point of view but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

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If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

When I die I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

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No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

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I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

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Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

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I criticize by creation – not by finding fault.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.

Sterling’s Corollary to Clarke’s Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

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I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

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We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, ‘cause if they couldn’t, they’d have to wake up to the fact that life’s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot—and the only reason THEY can’t seem to keep up is they’re a bunch of misfits and losers.

I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

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Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

There is only one nature – the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

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Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

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You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Don’t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn’t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Why did God create dentists?—In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Don’t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time

Many a man’s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Finagle’s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will—at the worst possible moment.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

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You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Why did God create dentists?—In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it —and some of your spouse’s family too.

Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

It was the experience of mystery—even if mixed with fear— that engendered religion.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

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Don’t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official…

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

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To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

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Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood… War is hell.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

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I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.

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About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.

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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

I’m trying to see things from your point of view but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Military glory—that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood—that serpent’s eye, that charms to destroy…

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up.

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ – the pig was ‘committed’.

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck. It’s a series of tubes!

When you’ve seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear – kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor – with the cry of grave national emergency.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.

They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist—

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.

I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Why did God create dentists?—In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official…

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

In the begining there was nothing and God said ‘Let there be light’, and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, ‘cause if they couldn’t, they’d have to wake up to the fact that life’s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot—and the only reason THEY can’t seem to keep up is they’re a bunch of misfits and losers.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

It was the experience of mystery—even if mixed with fear— that engendered religion.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

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I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn’t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official…

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The dangerous patriot … is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

If it wasn’t for muscle spasms, I wouldn’t get any exercise at all.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Sterling’s Corollary to Clarke’s Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I have four children which is not bad considering I’m not a Catholic.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

When I die I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.

Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife’s mother.

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I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load…)

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

When I die I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.

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I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

Am I lightheaded because I’m not dead or because I’m still alive?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

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An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, ‘Why god? Why me?’ and the thundering voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn’t have an air force.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.

I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Am I lightheaded because I’m not dead or because I’m still alive?

The truth is more important than the facts.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: ‘His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, ‘cause if they couldn’t, they’d have to wake up to the fact that life’s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot—and the only reason THEY can’t seem to keep up is they’re a bunch of misfits and losers.

Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife’s mother.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I’d stop eating chocolate, but I’m no quitter.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

It was the experience of mystery—even if mixed with fear— that engendered religion.

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you’re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

If you can read this you’re not aiming in the right direction.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.

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Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax —tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

I have four children which is not bad considering I’m not a Catholic.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’... ‘til you can find a rock.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, ‘Why god? Why me?’ and the thundering voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn’t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.