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Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

When I die I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…

Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.

Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

My last cow just died, so I won’t need your bull anymore.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

But at my back I always hear Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.

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They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it’s good it’s wonderful, and when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

My last cow just died, so I won’t need your bull anymore.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Hi there, what’s up you guys???

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Hi there, what’s up you guys???

Sex is like air. It’s only a big deal if you can’t get any.

‘Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible’, she said, ‘but that alone doesn’t make it true.’

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

To err is human—and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you’re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn’t have an air force.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.

I think ‘Hail to the Chief’ has a nice ring to it.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from two, it’s research.

Gigerenzer’s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, ‘Why god? Why me?’ and the thundering voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that’s ok because you’ll be a mile away from him and you’ll have his shoes.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

There is only one nature – the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.

It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist—

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Gigerenzer’s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Devlin’s First Law – Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin’s Second Law – So can PowerPoint.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

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Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

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Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

If it wasn’t for C, we’d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Sex is like air. It’s only a big deal if you can’t get any.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Als u dit middel één keer per dag gebruikt duurt het nog meer dan acht uur voor u de volgende dosis normaal inneemt Neem de vergeten dosis dan alsnog in. Duurt het nog minder dan acht uur Sla de vergeten dosis dan over.cialisLangdurige en soms pijnlijke erectie. Als deze pijnlijke erectie langer dan vier uur duurt, moet u uw arts waarschuwen. Er bestaat dan een kleine kans op beschadiging van de zwellichamen in de penis.,

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

As the post said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Vragen om aan mijn arts te stellen kunnen zijn Komt eenlevitrainformatie vinden over impotentie erectieklachten . Daarnaast kunt u,

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

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Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Everybody’s worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there’s a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure—that is all that agnosticism means.

We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

We don’t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

I have four children which is not bad considering I’m not a Catholic.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The dangerous patriot … is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.

Once you’ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.

We don’t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Once you’ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Jesus may love you, but I think you’re garbage wrapped in skin.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I was playing poker the other night… with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

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The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me – and by that time no one was left to speak up.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

If it wasn’t for muscle spasms, I wouldn’t get any exercise at all.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it —and some of your spouse’s family too.

Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit—get lost.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

My last cow just died, so I won’t need your bull anymore.

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’... ‘til you can find a rock.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.

Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Many a man’s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.

Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.

Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood… War is hell.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.

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Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.

If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

But at my back I always hear Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.

Humor is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can’t get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

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If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

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It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

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If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

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Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

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I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

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Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I was playing poker the other night… with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

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My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure—that is all that agnosticism means.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Hi there, what’s up you guys???

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Jesus may love you, but I think you’re garbage wrapped in skin.

If quantum physics doesn’t confuse you then you don’t understand it.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that’s ok because you’ll be a mile away from him and you’ll have his shoes.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

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Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.

Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

It’s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.

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Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

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Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up.

Hanlon’s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

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There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

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The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.

Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.

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Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

To err is human—and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’... ‘til you can find a rock.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

When you’ve seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

It’s impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.

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Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

‘Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible’, she said, ‘but that alone doesn’t make it true.’

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What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

O’Toole’s Corollary of Finagle’s Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

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Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Jesus may love you, but I think you’re garbage wrapped in skin.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

When you’ve seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

‘Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible’, she said, ‘but that alone doesn’t make it true.’

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

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Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time

I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

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Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Hanlon’s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

After I’m dead I’d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

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The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

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There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

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The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

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We are not retreating – we are advancing in another Direction.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can’t get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

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If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

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In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

To err is human—and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches.

If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, ‘Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ I said ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too’.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load…)

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Minsky’s Second Law: Don’t just do something. Stand there.

You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Once you’ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck. It’s a series of tubes!

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.

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I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

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If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

When I die I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

It was the experience of mystery—even if mixed with fear— that engendered religion.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.

Throughout American history, the government has said we’re in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It’s a hoax.

War doesn’t make boys men, it makes men dead.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

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Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

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When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.

I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ – the pig was ‘committed’.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?